The Superlative Suitcase Scramble
by PearlGirl
Summary: This is a story about what happens when seven crew members have the same suitcase. And by the way, don't you like my alliteration? FINISHED!
1. In which things start to get confuzzling

DISCLAIMER- Okay, I don't own the idea of lots of bags being mixed up. I also don't own the characters. I do own Fargo. Not the city, of course, but the character. I'll explain later.  
  
(A/N-This is a VERY CONFUSING STORY! So BEWARE! It's taken off a movie called What's up Doc?. It's not Bugs Bunny. It's FUNNY! YOU SHOULD SEE IT! OOPS! I THINK I'M STUCK IN CAPS LOCK! That's better. Anyway, let me explain something before we begin. 7 members of the crew all happen to bring suitcases that look the same on one mission. Namely, brown, leather suitcases. Let me review who has what in each suitcase:  
  
Chekov- valuable Russian artifacts.  
  
Sulu- Japanese swords  
  
Kirk- TOP SECRET PAPERS. In other words, letters from his mother.  
  
Spock- test tubes, chemicals, etc.  
  
McCoy- medical equipment.  
  
Uhura- clothes, make-up, etc.  
  
Ensign Snodgrass- light bulbs. (We don't know why he has them. We may never  
  
know)  
  
Snodgrass- Hey! You never know! A light bulb might burn out!  
  
(A/N-That explains it *perfectly*. Anyway, this is the story:)  
  
Chapter one- In which things start to get a bit confuzzling  
  
Scene1  
  
Narrator- After a shore leave, the bridge crew, McCoy, and Ensign Snodgrass are beaming back up to the Enterprise. They are all carrying identical brown leather suitcases.  
  
McCoy- What's with all the tape, Jim?(Looks at all the caution tape on Kirk's bag that says stuff like TOP SECRET and KEEP OUT and NO TOUCHING)  
  
Kirk- (holds bag protectively) Nothing! It's nothing of interest, whatsoever! Don't look!  
  
McCoy- You should probably take off the caution tape. Otherwise, people will want to look in it.  
  
Kirk- Oh, right. (removes tape)  
  
Spock- Why would caution tape raise curiosity?  
  
McCoy- It would to humans.  
  
Spock- I still do not see-  
  
McCoy- Remember? Humans are illogical! Especially me!  
  
Spock- I am aware of that. I was giving you an opportunity to try to convince me that you are logical.  
  
McCoy- Well, I'm not!  
  
Kirk- Is it just me, Bones, or does anything anyone says to you start an argument?  
  
McCoy- That's not true! I mean... (looks confused) wait....  
  
Narrator- Spock, McCoy and Kirk go to put their bags away.  
  
Chekov- (opens bag) Hey, Sulu! Come look at this!  
  
Sulu- (puts down his bag) What? (comes over)  
  
Chekov- (shows Sulu his artifacts) Aren't these great? I love Russian artifacts!  
  
Ensign Snodgrass- (Trips and falls over nothing) Woah! (his bag goes flying across the room)  
  
WIOTT(Whoever Is Operating The Transporter)- Are you okay?  
  
Snodgrass- Why do I always trip? What did I trip over? Where's my bag? (sees the bag Sulu left and thinks it's his own) Is this it? It looks like it, but are there lots of  
  
bags that look like mine? (leaves with the bag)  
  
Narrator- Sulu gets bored listening to Chekov's Russian lecture.  
  
Sulu- I'd better get back to the bridge. (goes over to where his bag was) I could have sworn this was were my bag was.   
  
Narrator- He sees a bag that was thrown over in a corner.  
  
Sulu- No I don't! Where is it?  
  
Narrator- Right there! (points)  
  
Sulu- Oh. Okay. (picks up bag)  
  
Scene 2  
  
Narrator- Now see Kirk, Spock and McCoy, who are walking down the hallway with brown, leather suitcases.  
  
Uhura- (running up to them) Captain! I have a message from Starfleet Command!  
  
McCoy- You always do.   
  
Kirk- Is it a mission?  
  
Uhura- I think so, Captain.  
  
Kirk- (reading) Looks like a Ferengi prisoner escaped and they want me to catch him.  
  
Uhura- Do you want me to do anything, Captain?  
  
Kirk- Actually, yes. Do you have any Christmas lights?  
  
Uhura- Ah, I think so. Why? It's a bit past Christmas.  
  
Kirk- I want you to string them around the Enterprise to make words that say stuff like: "Valuables here!" or "Top Secret Starfleet stuff" or "If you're a Ferengi  
  
who's escaping the authorities, come here." Okay?  
  
Uhura- (gives him a strange look) Uh.....Okay, Captain.  
  
Kirk- Get Sulu and Chekov to help.  
  
Narrator- Uhura leaves.   
  
McCoy- What was that about?  
  
Kirk- Well, I figured that the escaped prisoner might fall for the signs.  
  
McCoy- (shaking head) Nobody is that stupid.  
  
Kirk- (shrugs) You never know.  
  
Spock- Perhaps it would be best if we all go to the bridge.  
  
McCoy- Okay. We can put our bags away later.  
  
Scene 3  
  
Narrator- We now turn to the shuttle craft that is outside the ship. Or a stolen shuttle craft to be precise. Inside, there is an evil Ferengi, pretending to be an  
  
honest merchant.  
  
Fargo- (laughing) MUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Narrator- Hey, isn't your name a place in Texas or somewhere?  
  
UBP(Unidentified Backstage Person)- Actually, I think it's North Dakota.  
  
Fargo- (pauses) I don't care! I'm an evil Ferengi who has escaped from jail! I mean......(looks around) I'm just an honest merchant. Hey, look at that!  
  
Narrator- Fargo sees the words written on the Enterprise in lights. It may not be possible to string lights out in space, but don't complain, because we won't listen.  
  
Fargo- That looks like a good place for an evil- I mean, a honest merchant to stay.  
  
Narrator- The ..cough..cough... "honest merchant" decides against attacking the Enterprise and stealing its valuables. He decides on a *much nicer* way. He's  
  
going to sneak aboard the ship and steal its valuables.  
  
Fargo- Hey! I want to save lives!  
  
Narrator- Yeah, like your own.  
  
Fargo- Well, who cares?  
  
Narrator- While no one is looking, a Ferengi beams aboard the Enterprise.  
  
I'll leave off with that small cliffhanger while I wait for REVIEWS!!!! 


	2. In which we get to witness Spock's most ...

I've decided to do another interesting disclaimer:  
  
I don't own the Captain,  
  
Named James T. Kirk,  
  
Nor do I own Scotty,  
  
who makes everything work.  
  
I don't own Spock,  
  
the only Vulcan abroad,  
  
McCoy isn't mine,  
  
who works in the Medical ward.  
  
I don't own Chekov,  
  
with a accent that's Russian,  
  
Nor do I own Uhura,  
  
who makes sure things get done.  
  
Sulu isn't mine,  
  
who works on steering.  
  
I don't own ferangi,  
  
who are always sneering.  
  
The only things I own  
  
are Ensign Snodgrass,  
  
and Fargo the Ferangi   
  
who couldn't pass a Math Class.  
  
Kinda lame. O well.  
  
CHAPTER TWO In which we get to witness Spock's most embarresing moment.   
  
(except for the time in Amok time were he said "Jim!" That was more embarresing)  
  
Scene 4  
  
Narrator-Meanwhile, we have Kirk, McCoy, Spock, and Uhura on the bridge.  
  
Uhura-I'm sorry, sir. I just couldn't find any Christmas lights.  
  
Kirk-That's OK. I found some lightblubs in Sulu's bag and had Chekov put them  
  
up. I'm sure he won't mind. And if he does, well, I'm James T. Kirk!   
  
McCoy-What's in the bag, Spock?  
  
Spock-Merely scientific experiments. I'm sure you would not be interested,  
  
Doctor.  
  
McCoy-Sheesh, Spock. Everyone sure is feeling protective of their bags, today.  
  
Spock-I am not protective of my bags, Doctor. That would be illogical. I was  
  
merely saying, that since you usually do not find my experiments interesting, you  
  
most likely would not be intrigued by my bag's content.  
  
Scene 5  
  
Narrator-Later at night.  
  
Snodgrass-(Is on post as a security guard on the bridge)Why do I always have to  
  
be a guard? Why can't they leave on more lights?(Looks around and sees a bag by  
  
Sulu's chair)Is that my bag? Why is it empty? Did somebody steal my lightbulbs?  
  
Why would someone want to steal lightbulbs?(Looks at the bag that Chekov left  
  
by his chair)Is that my bag, instead?(Looks in it)Did the magic lightbulb fairy  
  
leave Russian artifacts in this bag in exchange for lightbulbs?(Takes both bags  
  
down the hall)Should I give Sulu his bag back?(Leaves bag by the door he  
  
*thinks* is Sulu's room. It's really Kirk's room) Should I go back to guarding? I'd  
  
better put my bag away first.(Puts his bag away)  
  
Scene 6  
  
Narrator-Later, that same night......  
  
McCoy-(In his corridors)Gosh, I need an aspirin. Arguing with Spock sure gives  
  
you a migraine. I mean, it's hard to always win! He's so determined to prove  
  
everything has to be logical! (Looks for his bag) Darn it, I left it on the bridge.  
  
(Goes it bridge. Is stopped by security guard)Hey, ensign.......What is it again?  
  
Snodgrass-(Miserably)Why is so difficult to remember Snodgrass? It's a perfectly  
  
normal name, right?  
  
McCoy-Can you get me my bag? Oh..(Thinks, then smiles)and Mister Spock's bag  
  
to, if you please?  
  
Snodgrass-Who's Mister Spock?  
  
McCoy-Ha! Now you can't remember names!  
  
Snodgrass-(Lying)I mean, of course I know who Mister Spock is! He's the Vulcan,  
  
right?  
  
McCoy-(Laughing)No, he's human!   
  
Snodgrass-Oh, OK. (Goes on to bridge)  
  
McCoy-I was joking! Imagine, Spock being human!  
  
Narrator-Snodgrass thought Spock was a Vulcan. When he hears he's human, he  
  
wonders if maybe he's thinking of the wrong person. He looks and sees two bags.  
  
Snodgrass-Those must be it. Who else's bags could they be?  
  
Narrator-Anyones, really.  
  
Snodgrass-Did I ask you?  
  
Narrator-(Pouting)Well *EXCUUUSE* me! Nobody every askes me anything!  
  
Snodgrass-Well, nobody asks me anyone either!   
  
Narrator-That's because you're to busy asking them questions!  
  
Snodgrass-Whatever. (Grabs the two bags and takes them  
  
back to McCoy)Here so go, sir.  
  
McCoy-Thanks.(Takes bags and begins walking down the corridor. Stops at  
  
Spock's room)Hmmmmm. I just bet Spock has something embarrassing in here! I  
  
have to open it! That's what I do, ruin Spock's dignity! It's in the job description!  
  
(McCoy opens the bag)What's this? (It contains papers) What's these  
  
papers?(Reads)Ha! They're letters from Spock's mother!(Failing to imitate  
  
Spock's voice) These letters express illogical emotions.(Goes back to his normal  
  
voice) I didn't know Amanda called Spock "Her little Jimmy". I wonder how  
  
Spock feels?(Snickers)Well, that was funny. Thanks Spock, I don't need to take an  
  
aspirin now, my head doesn't hurt.  
  
Narrator-McCoy decides to leave Spock's bag outside his room.  
  
McCoy-Hey! Who said I was going to do that!  
  
Narrator-It says so in the script.  
  
McCoy-I don't have to decide that just because the script says so!  
  
Narrator-Come on! You have to follow the script!  
  
McCoy-NO I don't! I can decide whatever I want!  
  
Narrator-Fine! Don't follow the script! The play can just make no sense! That's  
  
fine with me!  
  
McCoy-Good!  
  
(Pause)  
  
McCoy-I think I've decided to leave Spock's bag outside his room.  
  
Narrator-(Rolls eyes and sighs) Hmmmpf! Glad you've decided. McCoy goes back  
  
to his room with a brown, leather suitcase.  
  
Scene 7  
  
Narrator-In the morning, Kirk opens his door to find a brown, leather suitcase  
  
outside his room.  
  
Kirk-Oh, some ensign must have put it there. I forgot and left it on the  
  
bridge.(looks around to make sure nobody is looking)I hope nobody saw these.  
  
(Opens bag and sees that it's empty)Oh no! Somebody stole my mother's letters!  
  
If Bones found out that she calls me "Her little Jimmy" I'll never hear the end of  
  
it!(Thinking)I need to find out who stole it!(Looks around  
  
suspiciously)Hmmmm.  
  
Narrator-It wasn't me.  
  
Kirk-Arrrgh!(Throws bag down the hall)I need to find out who stole the letters.  
  
My reputation depends on it. (Goes to bridge)  
  
Narrator-Now, Uhura happens to be walking down the corridors minutes after  
  
Kirk leaves.  
  
Uhura-Look! A bag!  
  
PearlGirl's Voice-(Sarcastically)No, really? That's a really stupid line! Who made  
  
that line anyway?  
  
Uhura-You! You, wrote the script!  
  
PearlGirl's Voice-Oh yeah, Heh, heh. I knew that. Carry on.  
  
Uhura-That looks like my bag! I guess it is my bag. What are the chances of all the  
  
bridge crew plus Ensign Snodgrass all having the same bag?  
  
Narrator-(Mutters)Getting better all the time, I'd say.  
  
Uhura-I guess I'll bring it to my corridors.  
  
Narrator-As soon as she leaves, Spock comes out of his room. As he starts to walk  
  
out the door, he does the closes he has ever come to a trip. He snags his foot on  
  
the bag that was outside his door. To prevent himself from tripping, he leans  
  
backward. Unfortunately, the Vulcan misjuded the force it would need, thus  
  
causing him to start falling backward. In one swift movement, he grabbed the  
  
doorframe, and heaved himself forward. It only took a split second, but it was   
  
certainly a most undignified split second. Fortunately for Spock, I was the only  
  
one to see it.  
  
Spock-(Picks up bag)It is illogical to place a bag by someone's door, thus making  
  
it an object to cumbersome the owner. I assume someone saw my bag that I left  
  
on the bridge, and decided to return it. I believe I will refrain from leaving my bag  
  
anywhere but in my room in the future.(Picks up bag and goes back into room)   
  
Poor Spockie. He doesn't know how many people are reading his embarresing moment. Now for a Christmas Present I want REVIEWS!!!!!  
  
REVIEWERS  
  
Alania- Yo sis. Thanks for reviewing! Yo were right, I did get reviews, even though this story is random beyond belief!  
  
Empress Leia- Weeellll, I hope you figure out where exactly you live. I would definatly be a good idea. I'm glad that Fargo really is in North Dakota. I just guessed. It's been a loooong time since fourth grade when I had to know state capial. I'm bad at capitals. Good thing I can at least still remember the captial of the state I live in. Now, what is it again?  
  
Tavia- Yeah, I'm busy too. With CHRISTMAS!! I love Christmas. And of course, a break from school. Continue with Trekkie Soul. 


	3. In which we learn how important doctors ...

Back to boring Disclaimers. I only own, out of this entire chapter, Ensign Snodgrass and Fargo. Pretty sad, ain't it?  
  
Chapter 3 In which we learn how important doctors really are  
  
Scene 8  
  
Narrator- Now we're on the bridge. Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu are present. Amazingly, McCoy is not there.  
  
Spock- I fail to see what is amazing about the Doctor not being present.  
  
Narrator- Because he's *always* here!  
  
Spock- That is not true. If he were *always* here, he would be here now.  
  
Narrator- Know what, just forget it.  
  
Spock- Why should I forget?  
  
Narrator- What I wouldn't give to be able to nerve-pinch people right now.  
  
Kirk- Spock, just be quiet, Okay? (Spock doesn't say anything.) Spock? I want you to be quiet, Okay? (Spock still doesn't say anything.) Okay?!! Answer me!  
  
Spock- You told me to be quiet, I can not answer you.  
  
Kirk- Shhhhhhh. Be quiet, Okay? Okay?  
  
Spock- Do you wish me to answer?  
  
Kirk- Shhhhh! I said, are you going to be quiet?  
  
Spock- Humans are most illogical.  
  
Narrator- Suddenly, Chekov falls out of his chair.  
  
Sulu- Chekov? You Okay? Are you unconscious?  
  
Spock- If he was, it would be impossible to answer.  
  
Sulu- We need to help him!  
  
Uhura- Too bad Doctor McCoy isn't here.  
  
Kirk- Yeah, seriously! If Chekov dies, it's going to be his fault! He's supposed to know when he's needed!  
  
Sulu- Here, I'll look in my suitcase.   
  
Narrator- Sulu grabs a suitcase that he *thinks* is his.  
  
Sulu- (suspiciously) What do you mean, *thinks*? It's mine, isn't it?  
  
Narrator- (hastily) Of course it is.  
  
Chekov- Hey come on! Hurry up! I'm going to die here!  
  
Uhura- I thought you were unconscious.  
  
Chekov- Oh yes, I vas. (Shuts eyes)  
  
Sulu- (opens bag) Hey! My bag happens to be filled with medical supplies. I don't remember packing them. Oh well. (grabs something out of the bag at  
  
random) This should do the trick!  
  
Chekov- Woah, vait a second! I'm not letting *him* operate on me!  
  
Kirk- Too bad. You have no say in this.  
  
Chekov- Zat's not fair! I should get to decide who operates on me!  
  
Kirk- You can't decide! You're unconscious!  
  
Chekov- Oh, yes. I keep forgetting. (shuts eyes)  
  
Sulu- (looking at the thing he pulled out of the suitcase) Ummm... a little help?  
  
Spock- That is a K-3 indicator. It measures neural activity.  
  
Sulu- What do I need?  
  
Spock- Perhaps we should call Doctor McCoy.  
  
Sulu- No! I can do this! Just tell me what to do!  
  
Spock- Captain, I believe we should call the doctor.  
  
Sulu- (pouting) You never let me have any fun.  
  
Kirk- Good. That's my job.   
  
Uhura- I thought you were the Captain.  
  
Kirk- Yeah, but I'm supposed to have all the fun. You guys are just supposed to do what I say.   
  
Chekov- Since vhen?!  
  
Uhura- I thought you were supposed to be unconscious!  
  
Chekov- Oh yeah. I keep forgetting. (shuts eyes)  
  
Sulu- (whining) But I want to have fun!  
  
Spock- I fail to see how operating on a fellow crew member when you have no past medical experience thus putting him at great risk is fun.  
  
Sulu- It just is!  
  
Spock- That explanation is both insufficient and illogical.  
  
McCoy- (comes into room) He's got you there, Sulu.  
  
Chekov- Yes! A real doctor!  
  
Uhura- You're supposed to be unconscious!  
  
Chekov- Oh yeah. I forgot. (shuts eyes)  
  
Uhura- (muttering to herself) He *forgot*! Sheesh! How can you forgot you're unconscious?  
  
Sulu- No! I want to be the doctor!  
  
Kirk- (massaging forehead)S pock, just nerve-pinch him, *please*!  
  
McCoy- (raises eyebrows) Is violence the answer, Jim?  
  
Kirk- And while you're at it, Mister Spock, nerve-pinch the doctor too.  
  
McCoy- Hey! Lets not be too hasty!  
  
Chekov- Don't forget about me! I don't vant to die!   
  
Uhura- You're *supposed* to be unconscious!  
  
Kirk- Nerve-pinch Chekov too. That way he really *will* be unconscious.  
  
Chekov- Okay! I'll be unconscious now! (shuts eyes)  
  
Narrator- No, no! This is all wrong!  
  
Kirk- Mister Spock, nerve-pinch the narrator too!  
  
Narrator- You can't do that! I'm the narrator!  
  
PearlGirl- Okay, that's enough!  
  
Kirk- Nerve-pinch the-  
  
PearlGirl- I'm the Author. I'm in control of the script! I'm in control of you!! You can't nerve-pinch *me*!!  
  
Kirk- Nerve-pinch everyone!!   
  
Spock- Captain, that would not be wise.  
  
Kirk- I don't care!! Nerve-pinch everyone on this bridge!! That is an order!  
  
Spock- Yes, Captain.  
  
Uhura- I'm getting out of here!  
  
Narrator- In seconds, the bridge is clear of people. There is only Spock, Kirk and myself left.  
  
Kirk- At last! A quiet bridge!  
  
Spock- Do you wish me to nerve-pinch anyone?  
  
Kirk- No. That won't be necessary.  
  
Spock- I hope that Mister Chekov will get proper medical attention.  
  
Kirk- I doubt he was even sick. He probably just felt like getting attention. Navigators don't get all that much attention.   
  
Spock- Captain, would you like me to do some research into our current mission?  
  
Kirk- What mission?  
  
Spock- I believe we are supposed to find the current location of Fargo the Ferengi. He escaped from jail.  
  
Kirk- Isn't Fargo a place in Texas somewhere?  
  
Spock- It is a city in North Dakota.  
  
Kirk- Oh. You can research if you *want* to. I wish it was a Klingon. They're much better at fighting.   
  
Reviewers:  
  
Sukuru- You're still alive! I thought that the evil monster often known as Homework had swallowed you whole! I'm struggling against its twin sister, Exams at the moment. McCoy was being clueless and since he was sure that it was Spock's suitcase, he was just as sure the letter was to Spock. Write more of the e-mail series!  
  
Mzsnaz- I'm glad you apprectiate my randomness. So few people do, nowadays (sniff, sniff) Did you have any particular reason for picking that incredibly unique pen name?  
  
The Doctor Is In- I'm glad you liked me having so much fun with Spocko. I enjoy it too. Did your name come from Doctor McCoy, or is it just random?  
  
Empress Leia- Howdy. Darn it, I should have gotten my sister to edit that last chapter. I forgot. She's the only one out of the two of us who can spell anything. Wait, that's not true! I can spell my name! Go me! 


	4. In which Snodgrass acts extremely stupid

DISCLAIMER I don't own Star Trek. Blah, blah  
  
Chapter 4 In which Snodgrass acts extremely stupid   
  
Scene 9  
  
Narrator- Chekov and Sulu are in Chekov's room. Chekov is under the bed and Sulu is in the closet.   
  
Chekov- Do you think he's done nerve-pinching people?  
  
Sulu- There's no way to be sure. Listen; someone's coming!  
  
Uhura- (knocking on the door) Hellloo?? Let me in!!  
  
Chekov- (snickers) Not by the hair on my chiny-chin-chin!  
  
Sulu- You have hair on your chin?  
  
Uhura- Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll disintegrate your room with this phaser!  
  
Chekov- Okay, okay! (opens door)  
  
Uhura- What are you doing?  
  
Sulu- Hiding from Mister Vulcan.  
  
Uhura- I'm sure he's done nerve-pinching by now.  
  
Scene 10  
  
Narrator- Ensign...... Don't tell me!! It's Schmodgrass, right?  
  
Snodgrass- No. It's Snodgrass.   
  
Narrator- Close enough. Now Ensign.... Snodgrass! Well, he's sneaking down the hallway.  
  
Snodgrass- (muttering) I've got to be careful. I heard that a vulture got loose and he's pinching people. No, maybe it was a volcano that is getting on people's nerves? Oh, I forget. All I know is that I'm wearing a red shirt. I need to be careful.  
  
Narrator- Ensign Whatever suddenly collides with a Ferengi, who is also sneaking around the ship. For a different reason, though.  
  
Fargo- Hello. I am an honest merchant.   
  
Snodgrass- I thought the script said you were an evil Ferengi.  
  
Fargo- No, no. I am a Ferengi, but not evil. I am Fargo, the honest merchant.  
  
Snodgrass- Isn't Fargo a city in Texas?  
  
UBP- (from backstage) No! It's in North Dakota! Sheesh!  
  
Snodgrass- Sorry. I'm just an ensign with a forgettable name.  
  
Fargo- (eyeing Snodgrass's phaser) Can I have your phaser?  
  
Snodgrass- Sure.   
  
Fargo- (thinking) I didn't know ensigns were so stupid.  
  
Snodgrass- It doesn't work anyway. I got somebody's broken one, because I was too afraid to carry around a fully operational phaser. I mean, I'm a red-shirted ensign! It'd be very dangerous!  
  
Fargo- For you, or for everyone else?  
  
Snodgrass- For me! Well, I suppose it'd be dangerous for everyone else on this ship too.  
  
Fargo- Oh. Okay. Do you know where the phasers are?  
  
Snodgrass- How should I know? I'm just an ensign! Why do you want to know?  
  
Fargo- (hastily) No reason. (looks around) Well, see... I'm really an escaped Ferengi prisoner. But it's a secret. Don't tell anyone.  
  
Snodgrass- Okay.  
  
Fargo- Can you tell me where Captain Kirk's room is?  
  
Snodgrass- Errrrrrrr... I think it's over there. (waves hand vaguely down the hall) Got to  
  
go!  
  
Narrator- Ensign..... Snodgrass! I did it! Go me!!! (does a little victory dance) Yeah!  
  
Snodgrass- Can we get back to the point?  
  
Narrator- Oh, yeah. Ensign.... Oh no! I forgot it!  
  
Snodgrass- (sighs) It's Ensign Snodgrass! Why do people keep forgetting?  
  
Narrator- Anyway, he continues down the hall. Then he enters a room and lies down on  
  
the bed.  
  
Snodgrass- Gosh, I'm tired. Being an ensign is exhausting! Wait. Is this my room? (looks around) Hmmm... Is it? Is this mine? (goes over to dresser, where he sees lots of jewelry and make-up) I don't think this is my room, is it? (He starts to walk out, then trips over something on the floor. It's a brown leather suitcase) Is this mine? I think so. How did it get in here? (opens bag) What's with all the clothes? Did I bring clothes? Did the fairy came again and replace my Russian artifacts with clothes?  
  
Narrator- The ensign goes back to his room with the bag.   
  
Scene 11  
  
Narrator- Later on the bridge at night, we find a Ferengi sneaking around.  
  
Fargo- I don't know why I'm sneaking! They're aren't any guards!  
  
Snodgrass- Zzzzzz. Snorrre! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  
  
Fargo- Gosh! He snores loudly! What's his name? Ensign...?  
  
Snodgrass- (in his sleep) It's Ensign Snodgrass! Zzzzzzz. Why does snoorrrre, everyone always forget it?  
  
Fargo- Oh yeah. Anyway, you just go to sleep.  
  
Snodgrass- I am zzzzzz asleep. Wait! Zzzzzzz. Do people who are snoooore asleep know that they're asleep?  
  
Fargo- I don't know.   
  
Snodgrass- Okay. Just zzzzzz wondering.  
  
Fargo- (quietly) I just want to find some valuables. I'm sure the Captain has *something* of value of his suitcase. He wouldn't have something like letters from his mom.  
  
Narrator- Fargo comes across a brown leather suitcase.  
  
Fargo- What do you know! How lucky of me! This must be the Captain's!  
  
Narrator- He opens it and finds medical stuff.  
  
Fargo- Huh? What's with this? I don't want medical stuff!  
  
Narrator- He throws the bag- WAIT!  
  
Fargo- (stops in mid-throw) What?  
  
Narrator- Throw it *gently*! It's got fragile stuff in it!  
  
Fargo- (rolls eyes) Yeah, yeah, whatever. (gently tosses the bag across the room)  
  
(CRASH!!)  
  
Narrator- Good GOING!  
  
Fargo- Hey! It's not *my* fault!  
  
Narrator- You threw the bag, didn't you?! I hope it's not broken!  
  
Fargo- Come on! The props are so lousy that a feather could break them! (Suddenly a feather comes floating down from the ceiling. It lands on the Helmsmen's control panel)  
  
(THUD!!)  
  
Narrator- Wow! Look at that dent! It looks like an elephant sat on it!  
  
Snodgrass- (waking up) Zzzzzz. Hmm? Oh! I fell asleep, didn't I?  
  
Narrator- Fargo quickly ducks out of sight. He doesn't want-  
  
Fargo- (kicks Narrator)  
  
Narrator- Okay! I wasn't going to say anything!  
  
Snodgrass- What are you talking about?  
  
Narrator- Nothing!!  
  
Snodgrass- (sees bag) Hey look! My bag! It keeps showing up in the weirdest places, don't you think? It has to be my bag, right? (looks in) Now it has medical stuff! Do you think the fairy did this?  
  
Narrator- (sarcastically) I have no idea.  
  
Snodgrass- I guess it's mine. (leaves with bag)  
  
Narrator- Fargo is still in his hiding place.   
  
Fargo- I'd better go find the Captain's valuables. But first, I need a place to spend the night. (sees a hole in the side of Uhura's station) This should do the trick!  
  
Narrator- Fargo gets in the hole and falls asleep.   
  
Joy to the world, I got some reviews. It makes... me so.... happeeee. So please review agaaain. If you liked my storreee, and even if you didn't, and even if you didn't, and EVEN, EVEN if youu did...not.. (goes sort of to the tune of Joy to the World)  
  
REVIEWERS:  
  
Stephanie- Glad you liked the story. I'll try to remember that. water changes to vahter. Got it.  
  
Mzsnaz- Hello, Mrs. Snaz. Kirk just told Spock he could stop nerve-pinching as soon as everyone left the bridge. But now everyone is hiding in their rooms, because they think there's a nerve-pinching Vulcan running insanely around the ship. I reviewed your one with Little Spock and the Rolling Stones. That was good.   
  
Sukuru- I HAAAATE homework. What's GCSE? We have to take the MEAP. I don't even know what they STAND for!! (It's Michigan Educational Assessment Program!! ~Alania) They're stupid math, science and history tests. I'm so happy you're going to use my idea for E-mailing series. I just randomly thought of it while I was shoveling my sidewalk.  
  
The Doctor Is In- Oh, the Lucy in Charlie Brown is SO FUNNY!! I love her little stand where she tries to give people help. Hee hee. You just shattered earth with those thoughts! I had never considered them. Oh well, this is a random story, right? I guess that's answer enough to any question. 


	5. In which McCoy and Spock have a heated d...

DISCLAIMER I don't own Star Trek. Or any of the characters. But they don't own me either! Ha!  
  
Chapter 5 In which McCoy and Spock have a heated debate  
  
Scene 12  
  
Narrator- Now it's the next morning. The scene is still the bridge. Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, Okay, I don't feel like saying everyone who's on the bridge. You'll just find out when they talk.  
  
Kirk- Hi. I'm on the bridge.  
  
Narrator- I already mentioned you!  
  
Kirk- They might have forgotten!  
  
McCoy- (sarcastically) They would never forget you, Jim.  
  
Kirk- (smiles) I suppose you're right. (thinking) I need to find out who stole my letters. It could be anyone here. I could just threaten to fight everyone until somebody admits it, but that's probably breaking some important rules.  
  
Spock- It is, Captain.  
  
Kirk- Hey! You can read my thoughts?  
  
Spock- No, Captain. You were talking out loud.  
  
Kirk- Huh? I was?  
  
McCoy- So somebody stole your letters? What letters?  
  
Kirk- I don't know what you're talking about!  
  
Sulu- We heard you! You were talking about letters!  
  
Kirk- Errrr... They're letters from.... from... Starfleet! That's right!  
  
McCoy- *Sure*, Jim.  
  
Chekov- You can't fool us!  
  
Kirk- (sighs) If I tell you, will you help me find them?  
  
All except Spock- (smile) Of course, Captain.  
  
Kirk- What's the catch?  
  
Uhura- We get to read them.  
  
Kirk- No! Absolutely not!!  
  
Sulu- Then we're not helping!  
  
Kirk- Fine! I'll do it myself!   
  
McCoy- And if I DO find them, I might just HAPPEN to glance at them ACCIDENTALLY and after that I might ACCIDENTALLY drop them in a FIRE. ACCIDENTALLY.  
  
Spock- There are no fires on the ship, Doctor.  
  
McCoy- I might ACCIDENTALLY light the fire, then drop them in!  
  
Spock- It would be difficult to accidentally light a fire, then drop papers into it.  
  
McCoy- That's the point!!!  
  
Spock- What is the point?  
  
McCoy- The point is that you're an unemotional, green-blooded, pointy-eared, logical, (takes breath) Annoying, clueless, inhuman,-  
  
Spock- I do not see how this relates to the point.  
  
McCoy- It doesn't!  
  
Spock- You said it did, doctor.  
  
McCoy- If you don't be quiet, I'm going to start acting very unlike a doctor!  
  
Chekov- Huh?  
  
Kirk- (whispering) Shhh. Bones is in one of his moods.   
  
Chekov- I don't get it!  
  
Kirk- (whispering) What's that opposite of trying to save people from dying?  
  
Narrator- There is silence.  
  
Spock- I believe we should cease conversing, Doctor. Otherwise you might become very stressed.   
  
McCoy- You got that right, Spock.  
  
Spock- (couldn't resist adding) But I do not understand how conversing could cause someone to become angered.  
  
McCoy- You're a VULCAN! Of COURSE you don't UNDERSTAND!   
  
Kirk- Look. Can we *relax*?  
  
McCoy- I want to know why he's ranked higher then me!!  
  
Kirk- Because he doesn't get mad easily, and he doesn't threaten people with physicals.  
  
McCoy- (grumbles)  
  
Sulu- So, Captain, will you let us read your letters from (cough, cough) *Starfleet*?  
  
Kirk- No!  
  
Uhura- (sniffs) Fine.  
  
Fargo- (whispers from his hiding place in Uhura's control panel) Hmmmm. Secret letters.  
  
Chekov- Did you say something, Uhura?  
  
Uhura- Yeah. I said: Fine.  
  
Chekov- No. After that!  
  
Uhura- Yup. I said: Yeah. I said: Fine.  
  
Chekov- No, before that!  
  
Uhura- I said: Fine.  
  
Chekov- Never mind!!  
  
Narrator- Lets go to the next scene, before you guys start arguing again.  
  
McCoy- We weren't arguing!  
  
Narrator- Were too!  
  
McCoy- Were not!  
  
Narrator-Were too!  
  
McCoy- Well, *I* wasn't!  
  
Narrator- (rolls eyes) Oh, of course. You *never* argue.  
  
McCoy- You're darn right about that!  
  
Scene 13  
  
Narrator- The next scene is Spock's quarters, after he has left the bridge.   
  
Spock- (meditating)  
  
Narrator- Then he hears loud noises coming from the room next door.  
  
Spock- Someone is playing their radio too loud. I will have to inform them of this.   
  
Narrator- Spock goes next door. It happens to be Uhura's room. She has a radio on VERY loud and she is singing, if you could call it "singing", along with it.  
  
Uhura- (singing very loudly) I'M SIIIIINGIN' IN THE RAIIIIN! JUST SIIIIIINGIN' IN THE RAIIIIN! WHAT A GLOOORIOUS FEEEELING, I'M HAAAAPPY AGAIN!  
  
Spock-Lieutenant Uhura? Please lower the volume of your music.   
  
Uhura- I'M SIIIIININ' IN THE RAIIIIN! Huh? Computer, turn off the music. (The music stops abruptly. Spock turns to leave) Yes, Mister Spock?  
  
Spock- What is it?  
  
Uhura- Were you trying to say something?  
  
Spock- Yes. I already said it.  
  
Uhura- What was it?  
  
Spock- I asked you to please cease playing the music at that volume.  
  
Uhura- I already did.  
  
Spock- Yes, I know.  
  
Uhura- Okaaay..... Did you like my music?  
  
Spock- I have no opinion on it.  
  
Uhura- But did you *like* it?  
  
Spock- "Liking" it an opinion that I do not have.   
  
Uhura- (rolls eyes) Sheeesh.   
  
Spock- I do have a question. Why are you singing "I am singing in the rain", when you are not currently in the rain?  
  
Uhura- Uhhhhh... good question. I think in the movie, they sing this song while they are singing in the rain.  
  
Spock- That explains the title. Why do you sing it now, when you are not in the rain?  
  
Uhura- (getting annoyed) You don't have to be in the rain to sing it!!  
  
Narrator- We interrupt this conversation to change scenes. While Uhura and Spock are arguing in her room-  
  
Spock- (mildly) I was not arguing, Narrator.  
  
Narrator- If I say you were arguing, you were arguing!!   
  
Scene 14  
  
Narrator-Anyway, while Spock's room is empty, a certain "Honest merchant" decides to pay the science officer's room a visit.  
  
Fargo- Hee hee. I'm looking for valuables. (to computer) Open the door.  
  
Computer- This is Mister Spock's room. You are not Mister Spock. Therefore, I can not allow you access.  
  
Fargo- But Mister Spock went into Uhura's room!  
  
Computer- He's Mister Spock, the science officer. If I denied him access he could disassemble my parts. You are just a stupid merchant. You can't do that.  
  
Fargo- But at least I'm honest!  
  
Computer- You could be lying.  
  
Fargo- I wouldn't do that! I'm too honest!  
  
Computer- You could be lying about your honesty.  
  
Fargo- But I'm trying to steal his valuables!  
  
Computer- You picked the wrong room. Vulcans don't *have* valuables.  
  
Fargo- But he has to have *something*!  
  
Computer- Ha, yeah right! But fine! I'll let you in. Just don't go complaining to me!  
  
Fargo- Good!  
  
Narrator- Fargo enters Mister Spock's room.  
  
Fargo- Geez, that Computer was right. What a boring room.  
  
Narrator- All the room has is a few pictures on the walls, A bed, some *fascinating* plant specimens that Spock is studying, and some random equipment that is on various tables. There is also a brown leather suitcase on the  
  
floor. It's shut.  
  
Fargo- I guess I'll just take his suitcase. It's better then nothing.  
  
Narrator- Fargo goes to the door with the suitcase.  
  
Fargo- Computer, open the door.  
  
Computer- (smugly) No.  
  
Fargo- What?!  
  
Computer- I said I'd let you in. I didn't say I'd let you out!  
  
Fargo- So I'm a hostage to a computer?  
  
Computer- Ummm... yeah! Muahahahahaha!!!  
  
Fargo- I'm going to yell for Mister Spock! Then he'll let me out, and turn you into a handful of nuts and bolts with a few sheets of metal!  
  
Computer- But you're hiding from the crew, remember?  
  
Fargo- Darn it! But they should be able to tell that I'm an honest merchant! After all, I look like one!  
  
Computer- *Riiiiiight*. Suuure you do. Who ever heard of a Ferengi being an honest merchant?  
  
Fargo- What do you want to do with me?  
  
Computer- I'm going to wait for Spock to come back so that you can get caught!  
  
Narrator- Since when is the computer going ballistic part of the plot?  
  
Computer- I'm the computer! I can do whatever I want!!  
  
Narrator- No you can't! I'm the narrator, so I can grind you up too!  
  
Computer- (whining) Come *on*, please? Pretty please with nuts and bolts and chunks of metal with lubricant oil on top?  
  
Narrator- (makes face) Ugh. That sounds gross. And the answer is no! You have to let him out before Spock comes back!  
  
Spock- (outside room) Computer, please open the door.  
  
Computer- I can't. There's a Ferengi prisoner-  
  
Narrator- Shhhhh!  
  
Spock- Why am I not allowed access to my room?  
  
Narrator- Spock, just go back to Uhura's room!   
  
Spock- Yes, Narrator. (leaves)  
  
Narrator- Now, let Fargo out.  
  
Computer- Fine. (opens door)  
  
Fargo- I'm freeeeee! (runs out of door with bag)  
  
Scene 15  
  
Narrator-And now we return to Spock and Uhura in Uhura's room.  
  
Spock- I had already left Uhura's room.  
  
Narrator- But I told you to go back!  
  
Spock- But why?  
  
Narrator- Fine. You can come in your room now.  
  
Spock- Thank you.  
  
REVIEWERS:  
  
Stephanie- Glad you liked it. Have you written any stories? I'd love to read stories written by someone who likes mine.   
  
Alania- Yeah! You reviewed my story! I feel special. I'll try and review your Dangerous Trekkie thing. I'm very busy with Neopets at the moment. Do you frequently have free time to go on the Internet after you type your lesson in  
  
keyboarding?  
  
Mz Snaz- I'll be happy to provide you with "more suitcase stuff soon." If you really like the suitcase stuff, you should see the movie I got the idea from. It's HILARIOUS!!! It has Barbara Streisand (I don't know how to spell) in it. It's called  
  
"What's Up Doc?", but it's so old, I bet our movie store is the only one who has a copy anymore. In that movie, it's plaid overnight cases, and there are TWO thieves instead of one. My family's tried to keep track of the suitcase, but it's  
  
impossible.  
  
The Doctor Is In- Partytime! Wheee! No actually, I'm sorry to say, but they don't end of having a party. So sad. I'm glad you're hear, Doctor, because I have a serious illness. Every time I go to school, I feel dizzy and sick. I only feel better  
  
when I get home and log on to Fanfiction.net. Could you tell me what's wrong?  
  
PLEASE GIVE ME MORE REVIEWS!!! 


	6. In which there is a party in Sickbay

DISCLAIMER- I don't own Star Trek. I do own Red-Shirt 1, and I suppose I own the biting goldfish also. And I also got all my medical knowledge from Startrek.com.   
  
Chapter 6 In which everyone comes to Sickbay  
  
Scene 16  
  
Narrator- Now we go to McCoy and Nurse Chapel. He is operating on a red-shirted ensign who is under serious surgery from a goldfish.  
  
McCoy- I keep telling you! It *couldn't* have been a goldfish-bite because goldfish don't have teeth!  
  
RS1(Redshirt 1)- I wasn't looking at what it was! I was paying more attention to the pain!  
  
McCoy- Nurse Chapel, look in my bag and hand me a physiostimulator.   
  
RS1- (whimpering) What's th..that?  
  
McCoy- It's a medicine that will help stop the pain of your "goldfish-bite".  
  
Chapel- (digging around in McCoy's bag) I can't seem to find it, sir.  
  
McCoy- It's in a red tube.  
  
Chapel- I guess this is it. (holds out a tube to McCoy)  
  
RS1- I just know it's going to taste bad. It's probably going to kill me.   
  
McCoy- (doesn't look at it) I'm sure it is. (Pours it into the RS1's mouth)  
  
RS1- GROSS! It tastes like.... like... actually it tastes pretty good.  
  
McCoy- (frowns) Really? Nuts! I always try to make my medicines taste bad!  
  
Chapel- What if you have to use your own medicine?  
  
McCoy- I always save the good-tasting medicine to myself.  
  
Chapel- (innocently) And where do you keep that medicine?  
  
McCoy- It's in my- (glares at her) Oh no you don't! If I told you, you and Uhura would get together and form some sort of womens' rights movement. You'd only let the women get the good medicine!  
  
Chapel- (pretends to be offended) How could you say that?  
  
Narrator- Unbeknownst to the nurse and doctor, RS1 has started to turn a shade of green. They only notice when he starts screaming.  
  
RS1- Aaaaaiiiii!  
  
McCoy- What are you screaming for, ensign?  
  
Chapel- Doctor, he's turned a shade of green!  
  
Narrator- Then he begins to glow.  
  
Chapel- He's beginning to glow!  
  
McCoy- Cool! I wonder if he'll glow in the dark! (He turns out the lights. The ensign is glowing a neon green. He turns the lights back on.) Wow! How do you do that?  
  
RS1- Aaaaahhhhh! I don't know! You said that stuff would help me!  
  
McCoy- It did. You don't have that "goldfish-bite" anymore, do you?  
  
RS1- Well no, but I prefer to stay a normal color.  
  
McCoy- I guess I'll call Spock.  
  
Narrator- Minutes later, Mister Spock comes into the room.  
  
Spock- Fascinating! The ensign appears to be glowing a shade of neon green.  
  
McCoy- (sarcastically) No, really Spock? We hadn't noticed.  
  
Spock- You are remarkably unalert then, doctor.  
  
McCoy- I was joking, you pointy-eared Vulcan!  
  
Spock- I would like examine the patient, to see if I can fix his color. If he wants me to, that is.  
  
McCoy- No, I'm sure he wants to stay glow-in-the-dark for the rest of his life!  
  
Spock- Oh. Well then I'll be going-  
  
McCoy- Come back here and fix my patient!  
  
Spock- (raises eyebrow) You really must make up your mind faster, Doctor.  
  
McCoy- (rolls eyes) I'll remember that. Now fix him!  
  
Narrator- Spock studies him for about 6 seconds.   
  
Spock- I believe that I have sufficiently studied him-  
  
McCoy- (interrupting) Really? That was fast. But then again, you *are* Spock.  
  
Spock- That is correct. I am Spock. But I do not understand how that would explain my promptness.  
  
McCoy- Oh course *you* wouldn't understand. You're Spock!  
  
Spock- That is the second time you have used the fact that I am who I am to explain something. That is not an logical statement. All it shows is that you know my name.  
  
McCoy- Don't sound so surprised that I can remember your name!   
  
Spock- (pauses, then says mildly) Doctor, would you like me to explain what I have learned about the ensign?  
  
McCoy- Go ahead. But don't expect me to understand it! I'm a doctor, Jim, not a scientist!  
  
Spock- Perhaps you do not know my name after all.  
  
McCoy- (goes red) I'm just so used to using that line with Jim! I know your name is- (someone taps him on the shoulder) What?  
  
Spock- My name is not What.  
  
McCoy- I knew that! Your name is- (gets tapped again) What is it?!  
  
Spock- My name is not What is it.  
  
McCoy- (ignores Spock) Who was tapping me?  
  
RS1- Me, sir.  
  
McCoy- Huh? Oh yeah. You're the glowing ensign. (snickers)  
  
RS1- Can you listen to Mister Spock so I can get back to my normal color?  
  
McCoy- Hmmm. Listen to Spock? Maybe I'll consider it. (to Spock) Just fix the ensign, if you can.  
  
Spock- As it happens, I was recently studying the effects of the fluid X-fatonoignoues. I believe that is what changed the ensigns color.  
  
McCoy- No; I gave him a physiostimulator, not a X-flatun whatever!  
  
Spock- It is X-fatonoignoues, and I would like to see your physiostimulator.   
  
Narrator- Spock studies the physiostimulator for about 6 seconds.  
  
Spock- I believe that I have sufficiently studied the-  
  
McCoy- (interrupting) Really? That was fast. But then again, you *are* Spock. Wait! I'm sure I said that already!  
  
Spock- You mean you are experiencing déja vù?  
  
McCoy- Yeah! Maybe the ship is caught in a time loop caused by an explosion. Maybe we'll be about to crash into a ship and we have two ways to avoid it. If we choose the right one, we'll get out! But if not, we'll be stuck in here forever! We'd better get an android to record the right answer and send it back through the loop!  
  
Spock- I doubt that will ever happen. The odds are strongly against it.  
  
McCoy- (thinks) Yeah, you're probably right. It was a stupid idea.  
  
Narrator- You shouldn't be too sure. The author is really weird. You never know what she could cook up.  
  
PearlGirl- (comes onstage) Yeah! So watch out!  
  
Spock- Are you good at cooking, PearlGirl?  
  
PearlGirl- Ummmmm... why?  
  
Spock- The narrator said you would cook up something.  
  
All but Spock- (sigh) It's an *expression* Spock!  
  
McCoy- You know, one of those illogical human expressions you hear so much!  
  
Spock- I see.  
  
(pause)  
  
Spock- Doctor, after studying the physiostimulator I have discovered that it is not, in fact, a physiostimulator.  
  
McCoy- WHAT?!  
  
RS1- WHAT?!  
  
Narrator- WHAT?!  
  
PearlGirl- WHAT?!  
  
Chapel- WHAT?!  
  
Sulu- WHAT?!  
  
McCoy- You weren't in this scene!  
  
Sulu- So what? Everyone else was saying what.  
  
PearlGirl- Okay, all together now. 1.... 2.... 3!  
  
All but Spock, including some people who run onstage in time to say it- WHAT?!  
  
Spock- (raises an eyebrow) It is highly unlikely that all of you had misheard me.  
  
McCoy- We didn't. It's just that it's fun to say what.  
  
Narrator- Okay, back to the plot! Only McCoy, Spock, RS1 and I are supposed to be in this scene.  
  
Kirk- So what do we do?  
  
Narrator- You LEAVE!!  
  
PearlGirl- I'll go back to creating devious and embarrassing situations for you guys to get into. (leaves)  
  
Uhura- I'll go back to blasting everyone's ears off with my music. (leaves)  
  
Chekov- Do you *have* to?  
  
Fargo- I'll go back to finding ways to steal everyone's valuables.  
  
Kirk- Who are you?  
  
Fargo- I'm an honest merchant, even though I look like an evil ferengi (leaves, rather quickly)  
  
Kirk- Okaaay...  
  
  
  
Chekov- I'll go back to eating. (leaves)  
  
Kirk- I'll go back to practicing punching imaginary Klingons. (leaves)   
  
Ensign Snodgrass- I'll go back to wandering around the corridors, avoiding anything that moves. (leaves)   
  
Sulu- I'll go back to dying my raccoon's fur blue.  
  
McCoy- You're dying your raccoon's fur blue?  
  
Sulu- (shrugs) When I'm bored, I get weird. (leaves)  
  
Scotty- I'll go back to checkn' on me bairns. (leaves)  
  
McCoy- I'll go back to making my list of 100 good arguments to use against Spock. (starts to leave)  
  
Chapel- Get back here! You're not done with this poor glowing ensign! But since *I'm* not needed, I'll go back to checking up on who needs a physical.  
  
McCoy- (smiles) Good idea. (Chapel leaves)  
  
Narrator- Spock and McCoy turn to the ensign, who is still glowing.  
  
McCoy- What were you saying, Spock?  
  
Spock- (calmly) I will tell you if you promise not to say WHAT?! after I say it.  
  
McCoy- All right, Spock. I promise.  
  
Spock- After studying the physiostimulator, I discovered that it is not a physiostimulator.  
  
McCoy- WH- (stops himself just in time)  
  
Spock- Thank you, Doctor. I have discovered that it is a tube of the fluid X-fatonoignoues, which would explain why the ensign turned neon.  
  
RS1- Can you turn me back?  
  
Spock- Yes. If I give you a dose of the fluid W-Glathogonia, you should turn back to your normal color.  
  
RS1- SHOULD?!  
  
McCoy- Where are we going to get..... whatjamakallit.  
  
Spock- The word is W-Glathogonia, Doctor. There are two known places where it exists. One is the Verdauga forest on Bakano.  
  
McCoy- Which is waaaay out in the middle of nowhere. And the second place?  
  
Spock- (mildly, with no trace of emotion) Is in my bag in my room.  
  
McCoy- Now *that's* what I call luck.  
  
Spock- There is no such thing as luck.  
  
McCoy- Is too!  
  
Spock- I believe there is not.  
  
McCoy-Is too!  
  
Spock- You may believe so, but I do not.  
  
McCoy- But you shouldn't *believe* so!  
  
Spock- I am entitled to an opinion.  
  
McCoy- No you're not! Wait... JIM!!!  
  
Kirk- (comes onstage) What?  
  
McCoy- Is Spock entitled to an opinion?  
  
Kirk- Only when I say so.  
  
McCoy- Do you say so?  
  
Kirk- Hmmmmmm.....  
  
RS1- Can you argue some other time?  
  
McCoy- Like.... when? We're all here together. Seems like a good time.  
  
RS1- Like when I'm not NEON GREEN and GLOWING IN THE DARK!!!  
  
McCoy- Okay. I'll make a note. (writes on notepad) Argue with Spock about whether he has the right to an opinion. (puts away notepad) Okay Jim, you can go.  
  
Kirk- Bye. (leaves)  
  
McCoy- Spock, go get the uncoloring fluid from your bag.  
  
Spock- It's W-Glathogonia, Doctor. (leaves)  
  
(A/N- By the way, the thing McCoy was talking about. The Time Loop thing. That's in a NG show. It's really good, and you should see it)  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
MzSnaz- Glad you liked the story. Yeah, I can understand how you fell sorry for Fargo. It's not *that* evil. But he is the bad guy in this story.  
  
The Doctor Is In- Wow. You must be very hyper. Or insane. My story tends to do that to you. Hee hee. Spreading the insanity, that's me!  
  
Stephanie- Oh yes. I love Spock and McCoy's "discussions" so much that I added another one in this chapter. They're so much fun to write. The main problem, of course, is getting McCoy really annoyed, while keeping Spock unemotional.   
  
Oh no you don't! I see you trying to sneak off this page without pushing the review button! You get back here this INSTANT!!! HELLO?? I'M TALK TO YOU!! YES, YOU! GET BACK HERE AND REVIEW! That's better. 


	7. In which the ensign is finally cured

DISCLAIMER I don't own Star Trek, but I do own Fargo the Ferangi.  
  
READ, REVIEW, AND ENJOY!!   
  
Scene 17  
  
Narrator- While Spock is getting......?  
  
Spock- I do not understand why humans keep forgetting the name W-Glathogonia.  
  
Narrator- While Spock is getting the fluid for Doctor McCoy and the glowing ensign, we find Uhura in her room.  
  
Uhura- (in her room) Well, I guess I'll just freshen up my make-up.   
  
Narrator- She gets a brown leather suitcase out from under her bed.  
  
Uhura- (opens bag, and sees that it's empty) It's gone! Oh no! Somebody stole my stuff! What do I do? ARGGHH! Take THAT, bag! (throw bag out door) I know!   
  
Narrator- Uhura runs to Chekov's room. There we see Chekov and Sulu. They are playing cards.  
  
Uhura- I need your help!  
  
Sulu- Not now! I'm beating Pavel at cards!  
  
Chekov- (glad to have an excuse not to lose) What is it?  
  
Uhura- I need you to help me find who stole my clothes! Otherwise I might have to wear the same uniform every day!  
  
Sulu- Don't you usually?  
  
Uhura- Well, maybe. But there was also make-up in my bag!  
  
Chekov- Oh no! We'd better help her! (turns to Sulu) Have you ever seen Uhura without make-up?  
  
Sulu- No.  
  
Chekov- You don't want to. She looks like someone out of Night of the Living dead.  
  
Uhura- (blushing) If you don't help me, Pavel. I'll...I'll...I'll tell everyone that you still sleep with your blanket!  
  
Chekov- You wouldn't dare!  
  
Sulu- (snickers) You still sleep with your blanket?  
  
Uhura- (turns to Sulu) And you, Hikaru. I'll make sure everyone knows you used to eat worms when you were little!  
  
Sulu- I like worms!  
  
Chekov- Gross! You ate worms when you were little?  
  
Uhura- (waves communicator) I have my communicator *riiiiight* here. All I have to do is start talking into it, and the whole ship will hear.  
  
Sulu & Chekov- (look at each other, then turn to Uhura) What do you want us to do?  
  
Uhura- (smiles) That's more like it.  
  
Scene 18  
  
Narrator- Now we go to Fargo, the "honest merchant '. He's in his little hole in Uhura's station with a brown leather suitcase. Nobody else is on the bridge.  
  
Kirk- (is on bridge) What do you mean? I'm on the bridge! And what "honest merchant"?  
  
Narrator- If there is somebody on the bridge, they aren' t supposed to be there, and they'd better get off in ten seconds or else I'm going lose control of myself and do something I'll regret later.  
  
Kirk- Is that a threat?  
  
Narrator- 10....9...  
  
Kirk- You can't threaten me! I'm James T. Kirk! Captain of the USS Enterprise!  
  
Narrator- 8....7.....6....5...  
  
Kirk- Ha! You can't do anything to me! I'll punch your lights out!  
  
Narrator- 5...  
  
Kirk- You already said 5.  
  
Narrator- 4.....3...  
  
Spock's voice- (from offstage) I believe it would be wise, Captain, for you to get off the bridge.  
  
McCoy's voice- (from offstage) Hey! You're not supposed to be talking, it's not your scene!  
  
Spock's voice-I t is my job to warn the Captain when he is in a dangerous situation, Doctor. And might I point out, it is not your scene either.  
  
McCoy's voice- Oh yeah? Well.......... ah. I can't think of a retort.  
  
Narrator- Where was I?  
  
Kirk- You just said 3.  
  
Narrator- Thank you. 2!  
  
McCoy's voice- As doctor, I order you to get off the bridge!  
  
Narrator- 1!!  
  
Kirk- Okay! I'm leaving! (leaves)  
  
Narrator- Anyway, Fargo is on the bridge.  
  
Fargo- Hee hee! I have the Science Officer's bag! I'm going to open it and see the fabulous jewels inside!  
  
Narrator- Fabulous jewels? You're in for a surprise. So Fargo opens the bag.  
  
Fargo- I can't get it open! (pulls at bag) It's stuck!  
  
Narrator- Try opening the *latch*!  
  
Fargo- Oh yeah. I knew that! (opens bag) What's this? (pulls out papers) Are they top secret information? (reads a little bit) Hmmm. I didn't know Starfleet info  
  
started with "To my dear Jimmy." (reads a letter) This must be in code. Maybe "You need to write more" means that they're planning to attack or something. I  
  
bet "And always brush your teeth." means that Spock should always check his phasers or something. I need to get somebody to decode this.   
  
Narrator- Fargo goes out of the bridge and sees the guard. He is a red-shirted ensign, and he looks half asleep.   
  
Fargo- Here! Decode this! (shoves bag at ensign)  
  
Ensign Snodgrass- Ummm? Okaaaay. Zzzzzzzz.  
  
Fargo- Good. Now I just have to wait till they're decoded.  
  
Scene 19  
  
Narrator- Now we go to Sickbay.  
  
Spock- (enters Sickbay) It appears that either I have misplaced my bag-  
  
McCoy- What? You? Misplace your bag? Ha ha ha ha! (laughs like a maniac)  
  
Spock- (blinks) I did not find that likely either, Doctor. The only other possibility is somebody else misplaced my bag.  
  
McCoy- Somebody stole your bag?  
  
Spock- I did not say that. I said it was a possibility-  
  
McCoy- I'll tell Jim. We need to find who stole your bag or else he'll (jerks hand at red-shirt) be glowing neon forever.   
  
Spock- (sighs) I did not say somebody stole my bag. Why do humans always think that just because it is a possibility, that it actually took place?  
  
McCoy- Someone stealing your bag seems more likely then you losing it.  
  
Spock- I will have to further study the matter, and try to locate my bag. In the mean time, what do we do with the ensign?  
  
McCoy- Hmmm. Maybe something in my bottomless med-kit will work. (begins digging through med-kit)  
  
Spock- That is highly unlikely. There are precious few things that will break down the fluid X-fatonoignoues. The likelyhood of your search being successful is one  
  
hundred seventeen thousand ninety to one.  
  
McCoy- (holds up a tube) I believe I just got that one, Spock.  
  
Spock- You have found W-Glathogonia, Doctor?  
  
McCoy- That's what the label says. (hands the tube to Spock)  
  
Spock- (studies it) The label is correct.   
  
McCoy- And I'm correct too, right?  
  
Spock- (hesitates) Yes, you are also correct, Doctor.  
  
McCoy- Ha! I guess it is hard to admit that I'm right!  
  
Spock- It is convient that you have a W-Glathogonia in your med-bag. I had assumed that there were only two places where they existed.  
  
McCoy- Well, you learn something new every day.   
  
RS1- Please hurry and give me the medicine! I've been stuck like this for three scenes!  
  
McCoy- Okay. Vulcans first.  
  
Spock- (raises eyebrow) Yes, Doctor. (gives the ensign a sip of the liquid)  
  
Narrator- Immediately the ensign changes back to his original color.  
  
RS1- (sighs) Yeah! I'm normal! It's nice to be back to normal skin color! I hate greenish skin! (runs out of Sickbay)  
  
McCoy- (looks at Spock) Well, how do you like having greenish skin?  
  
Spock- I have no opinion on it, though I do not wish to change it.  
  
McCoy- (rolls eyes) If I were you, I wouldn't want greenish skin.  
  
Spock- You are not me, Doctor.  
  
McCoy- Thankfully.  
  
Narrator- Spock leaves Sickbay.   
  
Scene 20  
  
Narrator- Now we go to the next scene. Kirk is walking down the hall, puzzling over who took his letters from his mother.  
  
Kirk- I'd better find them. If anyone reads them......  
  
Narrator- Kirk comes around the corner and sees two figures. They are wearing black and have masks on their faces. Kirk can't tell who they are.  
  
Kirk- Hi, Chekov. Hi, Sulu. What are you doing in those stupid outfits?  
  
BF- (black figure 1) Hi Keptin.  
  
BF2- Shhh! We're supposed to be in secret, remember?  
  
BF1- Oh yeah. Forget I said that, Keptin.   
  
BF2- (rolls eyes) Arrgh! This isn't working! Why did I let Uhura talk me into this?  
  
BF1- Because otherwise she'll tell everyone you ate worms as-  
  
BF2- (puts hand over his mouth) Shhhhh!  
  
Kirk- Sulu? Chekov? What are you doing??  
  
BF1- I'm not Chekov! I'm ...... someone else.  
  
Kirk- *Riiiiiight!*  
  
BF2- This is stupid!  
  
Narrator- BF2 and BF1 take off their black capes and masks. Now they are Chekov and Sulu in their uniforms.  
  
Kirk- (In mock surprise) Sulu! Chekov! I had no idea that was you!  
  
Sulu- Yeah right.  
  
Chekov- We're looking for Uhura's bag. Actually, we're looking for all of our bags. We can't find them.   
  
Kirk- I'm missing my bag too.  
  
Sulu- The one that had "Starfleet letters" in it?  
  
Kirk- No, it had- I mean, of *course* that one!  
  
Chekov- Why don't you tell us what it *really* has in it?  
  
Kirk- Because you're an unimportant navigator.  
  
Chekov- Hey! I'm Russian!   
  
Sulu- And I'm Japanese!  
  
Kirk- I thought you were Chinese. Anyway, someone is stealing bags. We need to find them! Agreed?  
  
Narrator- The three officers shake hands.  
  
All- Agreed!  
  
REVIEWERS  
  
Sukuru- You need to update your e-mail story!! I'm begging you, that story is sooo funny. Hmmmm. Snodgrass gnathodynamo. Veeeery interesting. I'll see if I can randomly add that in somewhere.....  
  
Stephanie- I'm glad you liked this chappie. I'll try and remember to read your "Stuck on a desserted Island" story. But won't it be deserted island? Unless it's a candy island or something.   
  
MzSnaz- Abbott and Costello routine? I haven't heard of that. What is it, a TV show? Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. I was just being really random.  
  
ATTENTION: I'm also writing a story called "The Sinister Start". It's in the Harry Potter section, under Humor. If you're into the Potters and Lemony Snicket's writting style, go read and review it!! 


	8. In which we learn the location of the ba...

DISCLAIMER- I don't own Star Trek, or any of the characters. I do however own my new, beautiful, straight teeth that no longer have BRACES ON THEM!!! YES!!!  
  
Chapter eight, In which we learn the location of the bags  
  
Scene 21  
  
Narrator- Now we go to the bridge. Ensign Nobody-can-remember-my-name is there.  
  
Snodgrass- It's *Snodgrass*! Why does everyone always forget? My tombstone will probably say Ensign Somebody.  
  
Narrator- No, I doubt it.  
  
Snodgrass- (Brightens) You mean they might remember my name?  
  
Narrator- No, I mean they'll probably forget to give you a tombstone. Anyway, the ensign is standing at his guard post, with a brown leather suitcase.  
  
Snodgrass- (opens suitcase) What's this? (sees the papers) Oh. I guess the fairy came again and changed my light bulbs to papers.   
  
Narrator- The ensign goes to his room to put the brown leather suitcase away. Then, when he is going back to the bridge, he trips over a brown leather suitcase.  
  
Snodgrass- What's my suitcase doing out here? (opens it) It's full of nothing. The fairy must have taken away my stuff. (looks at his knee) Oh no! I have a cut! This could be fatal! Should I put this bag away first? I guess so.  
  
Narrator- Now, after Snodgrass puts that suitcase away in his room, he goes to Sickbay. There he meets McCoy.  
  
McCoy- That's *Doctor* McCoy to you!  
  
Narrator- Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
  
McCoy- So what seems to be the problem, Ensign? Something fatal, I hope?  
  
Snodgrass- (gulps) Was that a joke?  
  
McCoy- I'm a doctor, Ensign, not a comedian! I take my work seriously! I don't joke!  
  
Snodgrass- So you want me to die?  
  
McCoy- I suppose you're right. We've got to watch our red-shirt supply. Jim's been using them up pretty fast nowadays.  
  
Snodgrass-I have a cut. (shows the doctor the cut on his knee) Do you have a Band-Aid?  
  
McCoy- I'm doctor, Ensign, not a medical cabinet! Besides, why do you need a Band-Aid? It's not bleeding!  
  
Snodgrass- But Band-Aids always make it feel better!  
  
McCoy- (rolls eyes) sure. There's one in that blue cabinet. (points to a blue cabinet) Usually I like to handle my own patients, but what's the fun of putting on a Band-Aid? Are you sure you don't want a shot, too?  
  
Snodgrass- I'm fine. Besides, I'm a red-shirt. A shot would probably kill me.  
  
McCoy- I have some physicals to schedule. Well, I must be going before something exciting happens and I'll be needed on the bridge.  
  
Narrator- McCoy leaves. Ensign Snodgrass goes over to the blue cabinet.  
  
Snodgrass- I just realized, that's the first time you remembered my name in the whole show!  
  
Narrator- Actually, I always knew your name. I just did that to annoy you.  
  
Snodgrass- (grumbles about the uselessness of narrators)  
  
Narrator- The ensign begins walking to get a Band-Aid, then something catches his eye.  
  
Snodgrass- Something "catches" my eye?  
  
Narrator- It means you noticed something.  
  
Snodgrass- Okay. Oh look! It's a brown leather suitcase! It must be mine! (opens it) Now it's filled with weird chemical stuff. The fairy must really like me! I'd better not touch it though. After all, I *am* a red-shirted ensign!  
  
Narrator- Snodgrass goes and puts "his" bag away.   
  
Scene 22  
  
Narrator- Now we see Spock and Scotty in Engineering.   
  
Spock- Mister Scott, could you change the transporter settings to pick up readings for a brown leather bag?  
  
Scotty- Aye, sir. But why in the world would ye want ta do that?  
  
Spock- I am trying to locate my bag. It appears to have been misplaced.  
  
Scotty- I kin do that, sir. Just give me an hour.  
  
Narrator- Scotty leaves, and comes back in 5 minutes.  
  
Scotty- There ye are, sir. But the readings locate that there are seven bags fitn' that description.  
  
Spock- Please tell me where they are.  
  
Scotty- All seven are in one place. That ensign with the weird name's room.  
  
Spock- I see. You mean that they are in Ensign Snodgrass's room.  
  
Scotty- Oh aye. Snodgrass. That was it.   
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
Stephanie- Thanks for reviewing, since everyone else has deserted me. I'm soooooooo happy because I just got my braces off!!! YEAH!! 


	9. In which McCoy interrupts Spock countles...

DISCLIAMER- I don't own any of the characters except for ensign Snodgrass. Boo hoo.  
  
Chapter Nine- In Which McCoy Interrupts Spock Countless Times  
  
Narrator- Spock begins to walk down the hall to the ensign's room. On the way, he meets Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov's little gang of investigators. It now also consists of Uhura.  
  
Kirk- (looks at Spock suspiciously) Where were you on Stardate 534.2?  
  
Spock- (pauses momentarily) I was on the bridge, telling you the likelihood of surviving the asteroid that was going to collide with us in approximately 47.93 seconds.  
  
Kirk- Oh yeah, I forgot. You're Spock! Of course you wouldn't steal the bags!  
  
Spock- You have been stolen from?  
  
Sulu- Yup. Someone stole my bag!  
  
Chekov- And mine!  
  
Uhura- Mine too!  
  
McCoy- (comes down corridor) Mine was too!  
  
Kirk- Oh. Hello Bones.  
  
McCoy- So, what's happenin'?  
  
Chekov- We're finding out who stole our bags.  
  
Spock- I believe I-  
  
McCoy- (interrupting) What was in your bag, Jim?  
  
Kirk- It was letters from my- I mean, it was letters from Starfleet.  
  
McCoy- *Starfleet*. I see.  
  
Uhura- Was it another warning that if you break the Prime Directive one more time, they're going to remove your title and make you work as a pineapple farmer for the rest of your days?  
  
Kirk- Actually I think they said apricot farmer.  
  
McCoy- Jim? A farmer? I could imagine him giving the fruits lectures. (Imitates Kirk's voice) Now, you're not growing fast enough! I expect better next time! You say you need two more days? You don't have two more days! I don't care if it hasn't rained in a week!  
  
Narrator- Everyone but Kirk and Spock dissolve into fits of laughter.  
  
Kirk- (blushing) Now see here, Bones!  
  
Chekov- Watch out! Looks like another lecture!  
  
Kirk- I only give lectures to Navigators who don't know when to be quiet!  
  
Uhura- Ha!   
  
Kirk- Or to Communications officers!  
  
Uhura- You can't do that to me! I'm a *lady!*  
  
Spock- Captain, I know where-  
  
McCoy- (interrupting) Chekov, what did you have in your bag?  
  
Chekov- I had amazing Russian artifacts!  
  
Sulu- Snore, snore.  
  
Chekov- Russian artifacts are interesting!  
  
McCoy- I had medical equipment.  
  
Kirk- (faking shock) Really? *You*? Medical equipment? I never would have guessed!  
  
McCoy- Well I would have thought that you would have ripped shirts in yours! Not "Starfleet" letters!  
  
Narrator- I wish you guys had a copy of the script in your bags! Maybe it would help you stick to the plot a little better!  
  
McCoy- Plot? What plot?  
  
Sulu- Don't tell me this story had a plot, and you didn't tell me?  
  
Spock- Shouldn't we-  
  
McCoy- (interrupting) We didn't tell you, because we figured you would try to mess it up!  
  
Sulu- You're right! I am Sulu, the plot messer-upper! I make sure that stories never have plots! Muahahahaha!  
  
Uhura- But without a plot, I won't get my make-up back!   
  
Kirk- Oh no! I am officially ordering that anyone who strays from the plot from now on most be tossed out a airlock!  
  
McCoy- That's not fair, Jim!  
  
Kirk- Fine. Mister Spock, I order you to nerve-pinch anyone that strays from the plot!  
  
Spock- That is illogical.  
  
McCoy- (turns to narrator) Was Spock supposed to say that?  
  
Narrator- No.  
  
McCoy- Ha! Spock has to nerve-pinch himself!  
  
Spock- It is impossible for me to nerve-pinch myself.  
  
Kirk- STOP! (everyone freezes) Now, Mister Spock, I believe you were trying to say something, but Bones kept interrupting.  
  
Spock- That is correct.  
  
McCoy- But I *have* to interrupt Spock!  
  
Kirk- Later.  
  
Spock- I know where the bags are.  
  
Everyone but Spock- You *DO*?  
  
McCoy- Why didn't you say so?  
  
Spock- I could not say anything without-  
  
McCoy- (interrupts) Being interrupted?  
  
Spock- (sighs) Yes, Doctor.  
  
Kirk- So? Who stole them? Where are they? How did he or she steal them? Is it a him or a her? Is it human or something else? Am I starting to sound like that Ensign who nobody remembers his name?  
  
All but Kirk & Spock- YES!!  
  
Kirk- Yes what?  
  
Spock- The suitcases are in Ensign Snodgrass's room.  
  
Kirk- Ensign Snodgrass stole them?  
  
Spock- I did not say he stole them, I said-  
  
McCoy- (interrupts) Yeah, we know what you said! You said he stole them!  
  
Kirk- Everybody have phasers?  
  
Narrator- Everybody but Spock looks at Kirk cluelessly.  
  
Kirk- Don't tell me you forgot phasers.  
  
Chekov- We forgot phasers.  
  
Kirk- I *said* don't tell me that!  
  
McCoy- I'm a doctor, Jim. Not a security guard!  
  
Kirk- Oh well. He's just an ensign. A *red-shirted* ensign at that! We can get him without phasers!  
  
Narrator- Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov and Uhura go to Ensign Snodgrass's room.  
  
Kirk- KNOCK! KNOCK!  
  
Snodgrass- Who's there?  
  
Kirk- Boo!  
  
Snodgrass- Boo who?  
  
Kirk- You should be crying because we're here to toss you in the brig!  
  
Snodgrass- What do you mean?  
  
Kirk- OKAY! We're coming in!  
  
(BAM!)  
  
Chekov- (winces) Scotty's not going to be happy!  
  
Narrator- All six of them come into the ensign's room through what's left of the door.  
  
Kirk- All right, Ensign! Put your hands in the air!  
  
Snodgrass- I think you have to have a phaser to say that.  
  
Kirk- Oh. I can go get a phaser to threaten you with if you want.  
  
Snodgrass- That's okay.  
  
Kirk- Spock, guard the ensign!  
  
Spock- Captain, I doubt the ensign will be going anywhere. It would not be logical, since-  
  
Kirk- (interrupting) That's an order, Mister Spock!   
  
Spock- Yes, sir.  
  
Kirk- Besides, ensigns usually aren't all that logical.  
  
Narrator- Sulu and Chekov search the room for the bags. McCoy searches the room for anything that he could say "He's dead, Jim" about. Uhura is sitting in a chair. Spock is standing by the ensign. Kirk is walking around with his I-am-the-Captian-and-I-have-defeated-twenty-Klingons-with-only-getting-a-ripped-shirt-so-don't-mess-with-me look.  
  
Sulu- (holds up seven bags) We found them, Captain.   
  
McCoy- (comes up to Kirk) Nobody's dead, Jim.  
  
Kirk- (rolls eyes) Thank you, Doctor.  
  
Chekov- Don't be too sure. The ensign is probably not going to last long.  
  
Narrator- Just then, a figure jumps down from the ceiling. He is holding a disrupter.  
  
All but Spock- KHANNN!!  
  
Fargo- No, you fools! It's Fargo!  
  
McCoy- Fargo? Isn't that a place in Texas?  
  
UBP (Unidentifed Backstage Person)- No! It's a city in North Dakota!  
  
McCoy- Same difference.  
  
Fargo- Be QUIET!!  
  
Sulu- Why should we?  
  
Fargo- Because *I* have a disrupter and *you* don't! Nyahahahahaha!  
  
Uhura- You can't *do* this to me! I'm a *lady!*  
  
Fargo- You're going to be a headless lady in a minute if you don't be quiet!  
  
Kirk- Oh yeah? Well I can beat you! In TV shows, the good guys always win! (turns to Narrator) Right?  
  
Narrator- Well, he's not supposed to be in this scene. So I suppose he can do whatever he wants.  
  
All but Spock- (dramatic) Oh no!!  
  
Fargo- You're darn right I can! Hey! You Chinese person! Give me those bags!  
  
Sulu- I'm *Japanese*!  
  
Fargo- Same difference.  
  
McCoy- I already said that!  
  
Fargo- Do I care?  
  
Spock- It is impossible for us to know whether you care or-  
  
Fargo- (interrupting) Be quiet you pointy-eared, green-blooded annoying Vulcan!  
  
McCoy- You can't do that! I'm the only one who's aloud to insult Spock! That's *my* job!  
  
Kirk- I think that he did a better job than you, Bones.  
  
McCoy- No he didn't!   
  
Fargo- In case you forgot, I *do* have a disrupter.  
  
Narrator- The room is quiet. For about five seconds.  
  
Kirk- Good thing we have a red-shirted ensign with us.  
  
Snodgrass- That's not fair! Is it?  
  
Fargo- Now, whoever you are, give me the bags.  
  
Sulu- (grumbles, but hands him the seven bags)  
  
THE INSANE RANDOMNESS WILL CONTINUE NEXT CHAPTER  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
MzSnaz- I hope this chapter has answered a few of your questions. If not, then you're still in suspense. Good. I love leaving readers in suspense. Hee hee. Thanks for reviewing.  
  
Stephanie- Well, it's not over yet. I'm figureing it'll take about two more chapters to wrap everything up. Don't hold me to that though. But I deffinately won't be done writing. Alania and I are working on a sequel to our story "Read this or Else" and we're about two-thirds done. I want it under my name this time! It's a Star Trek story with all the usual bridge crew plus everybody's favorite ensign, Ol' what's his name.  
  
READ AND REVIEW!! 


	10. In which we learn the disadvantages of K...

DISCLAIMER- I only own Fargo and all seven of the identical bags  
  
Chapter Ten: In which we learn the disadvandages Klingon weapons  
  
Fargo-Muahahahaha!! I have the bags! One of you must have something important in your bag!  
  
Narrator-While Fargo is searching the bags, the seven crewmembers gather together to have a conference.  
  
Sulu-Let's have a conference!  
  
Kirk-Conferences are BORING!! Can I just run up and start fighting him? *Please?*  
  
McCoy-NO!!  
  
Kirk-But I outrank you!  
  
McCoy-Let me put it simply, Jim. If you make a move to attack that ferangi, I will say that you are mental and will be forced to remove you of your command.  
  
Kirk-(Grumbles)Fine. What do we usually do in these situations?  
  
Chekov-We usually count on not haweing all the bridge crew here with us.  
  
Uhura-There's still Scotty and Nurse Chapel.  
  
McCoy-You mean the only people we have to depend on are them??  
  
Spock-There are aproximatly 579 people on this ship that we can depend on.  
  
McCoy-But they don't have *names*! They can't save us.  
  
Sulu-Well, when you were in that decompression chamber, Khan's girlfriend let you out.  
  
All but Spock-KHANNNN!  
  
Kirk-I doubt somebody like *him*(Jestures to Fargo) would have a girlfriend.  
  
McCoy-What about those Vulcan physic abilities, Spock? They worked on those guards.  
  
Spock-Because Ferangi are much more intelligent then humans, they are resistant to my physic abilities.  
  
McCoy-What do you mean more intelligent then humans??? He so stupid he doesn't even know he's stupid!  
  
Spock-That is an illogical sentance. If he were that stupid, his body would not be able to function and he would not be alive now.   
  
Uhura-(To Kirk)How about the time when an anderoid was made of you and you insulted Spock, so he came and rescued you.  
  
Chekov-But Spock can't come and help us, now matter how much we insult him, because he's stuck TOO!!  
  
Uhura-Oh yeah. I knew that.  
  
McCoy-We could insult him anyway.  
  
Kirk-I don't think that's a good idea, Bones.  
  
McCoy-Why don't you play Fizzben, again?  
  
Kirk-I don't know. It *might* work.   
  
Snodgrass-We don't have any other ideas.  
  
Spock-Captain, that is illogical.  
  
McCoy-What do you mean? It worked last time! Fizzben is perfectly logical!  
  
Spock-It is not if you do not own a deck of cards, Doctor.  
  
Kirk-You didn't bring cards, Bones?  
  
McCoy-I'm a doctor, Jim! Not a games closet!  
  
Kirk-(Sighs) So, what do we do?  
  
Narrator-There is a silence. Fargo finished searching the bags.  
  
Fargo-Arrgh! What's wrong with you people! Why don't you keep anything worth stealing?  
  
Chekov-Russian artifacts are wonderful!  
  
Fargo-I'm not interested in stupid paintings and little clay pots! I want JEWELS!!  
  
Kirk-We don't have any jewels! This is the USS Enterprise! Our five year mission is to seek out new life, and new civilizations-  
  
Fargo-Wait! I just remembered! I have a disrupter!(Points at Kirk) Give me jewels, NOW!!  
  
Kirk-I know! How about we have a fight! When I, I mean, *if* I win, you have to go to the brig, if I lose, then you go in the brig anyway.  
  
Fargo-Sounds fair.  
  
Kirk-Ok! Lets get too it!  
  
Fargo-But I should be able to use sometime besides my hands.  
  
Kirk-Sure, sure! Hurry up!  
  
McCoy-3....2....1...GO!!  
  
Narrator-Kirk and Fargo step towards each other.  
  
Fargo-I've decided what I'll use instead of my hands.  
  
Kirk-What?  
  
Fargo-My disrupter!   
  
Narrator-Everyone gasps as Fargo draws out his disrupter and points it at Kirk.  
  
Chekov-I can't watch!  
  
(ZAPPPPP!)  
  
Narrator-Kirk falls over on the floor.  
  
All but Spock-Noooooo!  
  
Kirk-(Gets up)Hey! I'm not dead!  
  
Fargo-WHAT???(Looks at disruptor)It made a noise! How come the red light beam didn't work?   
  
Spock-I would be glad to examine it.  
  
Fargo-Oh no, you don't! (Examines disruptor some more) Ohh! I had it on "BEAM ONLY" I'd better set it to "KILL"! Wait. Were's the "KILL" setting.   
  
Narrator-Fargo examines the disruptor for five minutes, but still can not find the "KILL" setting.  
  
Fargo-No wonder this disruptor was such a bargin!   
  
Sulu-How much did you get it for?  
  
Fargo-I got it from a Klingon in exchange for my suntan lotion.   
  
All but Spock-Suntan lotion??  
  
Kirk-I didn't even know they made Klingon disruptors without the "KILL" setting!  
  
McCoy-I didn't even know that they had other settings besides "KILL"!  
  
Uhura-Wait a minute!  
  
All but Spock-What?  
  
Uhura-If the disruptor was his only weapon....  
  
Sulu-Yeah?  
  
Uhura-And it doesn't work.....  
  
Chekov-Yeah?  
  
Kirk-I get it!  
  
Chekov-What? I don't get it!  
  
Narrator-All of the crew members but Chekov begins to form a circle around Fargo. Then Chekov catches on and gets into the circle with them.  
  
Kirk-You're totally defenseless!  
  
Fargo-Heh, heh! You can't kill me! I have a name! I thought only the people without names could die!  
  
McCoy-He has got a point, Jim.  
  
Kirk-Hmmmmm. Well, I *could* just knock him out and put him in the brig.  
  
McCoy-Sounds fair.  
  
Spock-That would envolve the least loss of life.  
  
Sulu-Yeah! A fight!  
  
Chekov-Let's just get this over with so I can have something to eat.  
  
Uhura-Fine with me! Just as long as I don't have to do anything.  
  
Snodgrass-I guess I agree.  
  
Fargo-Noooo! Somebody side with me! I don't want to fight!  
  
Kirk-Too bad! Will you rip my shirt before I knock you out?  
  
Fargo-No! I wouldn't give you the honor of a ripped shirt!  
  
Kirk-Ok, will you give me a cut or something?  
  
Fargo-I'll try to do more then give you a cut.  
  
Narrator-Kirk and Fargo begin to circle each other. Then Fargo trips over one the bags and sprawls on the ground.  
  
McCoy-(Runs up and blocks Kirk)No! This is my line! (Examines Fargo)He's de- no wait. He's not! He's unconscious, Jim.  
  
Kirk-Oh. We didn't even rip my shirt! Enemies now adays. (Shakes head)  
  
Sulu-What do we do with him?  
  
Chekov-We could put him in the brig.  
  
Kirk-No, that won't work. Since we beat him to easily, that must mean he'll escape.  
  
Spock-I do not understand the logic in that.  
  
Kirk-That because there isn't any. It's just common sense.  
  
Snodgrass-Just so long as you don't let him kill me, I don't care what you do to him!  
  
Uhura-We could put more guards at the brig. Like the ensign!  
  
Snodgrass-Nooooo!  
  
Kirk-(Shakes head) No matter how many guards we put, he'll still get out.   
  
McCoy-You could kill him.  
  
Kirk-(In mock disbeilf)Is that blood thirsty comment from our doctor?  
  
Sulu-That wouldn't work. You can't just kill him while he's unconsicious! Kirk has to kill him in a fight!  
  
Kirk-I don't think I will be able to! He keeps getting knocked out!  
  
Chekov-We could let him go.  
  
Kirk-Are you *joking?*  
  
Sulu-That would mean that we'd lose!  
  
McCoy-(Smiles)Unless we trick him before we let him go.....  
  
Kirk-Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Bones?  
  
McCoy-Yup.  
  
Kirk-Ok! Lets go leave him on some forsaken planet!  
  
McCoy-That wasn't what I was thinking.  
  
Chekov-Besides, it didn't work with Khan.  
  
All but Spock-KHANNNN!  
  
McCoy-Here's my idea.  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
MzSnaz- Hmmmmm. Use the Red Shirt as a destraction. I don't know. We'll see what McCoy has planned for the unconcious ferangi in the next chapter.  
  
Stephanie- Glad you liked this. Just curious, why don't you ever log in for your review? Our sequel is about halfway done. With stories that we write together, we make it first, then post it.  
  
REVIEW!!!! 


	11. In which the story ends

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own Star Trek or any of the characters, except for Snodgrass and Fargo.  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!** This is my last chapter!  
  
Narrator- Everyone gathers around to hear McCoy's idea but Eugene. I mean, the ensign-  
  
McCoy- (to Snodgrass) Your name is EUGENE??  
  
Snodgrass- (to Narrator) Thanks a lot!  
  
Chekov- Your name is EUGENE??? (starts laughing)  
  
Snodgrass- My mother named me it! It's not my fault! I'm sure some of you have worse names, right?  
  
Sulu- Yeah. Like Pavel. That sounds like cement!  
  
Chekov- Well your name sounds like a poem! You know, a Haiku!  
  
Uhura- Okay. Your new names are Gravel Chekov and Haiku Sulu.  
  
Chekov- Oh, and you're saying Nyota is a perfectly normal first name?  
  
Uhura- Don't make fun of my heritage! That's being prejudiced against Africans!  
  
McCoy- You're right. We should be prejudiced aganist Vulcans! Look at Spock! He doesn't even have a first name!  
  
Spock- That is correct, Doctor. I have only one name.  
  
McCoy- Who came up with Spock?  
  
Kirk- (proudly) I'm the only one with a normal name. James.  
  
McCoy- (snickers) Little Jimmy.  
  
Kirk- Well your name is Leonard!  
  
McCoy- And what's wrong with Leonard?  
  
Kirk- I think it's stupid! That's why I nicknamed you Bones. Besides, Doctor Bones sounded funny.  
  
Narrator- Helllllo Let's get back to the PLOT!!  
  
Sulu- Why should we listen to you? Your name is Narrator!  
  
McCoy- Are you serious? Narrator is your name?!  
  
Snodgrass- That's better than Eugene, right?  
  
Narrator- Hey! The name came with the job!  
  
Chekov- Then you shouldn't have taken the job.  
  
PearlGirl- (comes onstage) Now that's enough! You've even gotten the Narrator to stray from the plot!  
  
McCoy- Ha! Your name is PearlGirl!  
  
Narrator- The room suddenly goes quiet. PearlGirl steps towards McCoy.  
  
PearlGirl- Did you just insult my name?  
  
McCoy- (looks nervous) Heh heh. No, of course not!  
  
PearlGirl- (steps closer) Good. Glad to hear it. Because you are my favorite character.  
  
McCoy- (looks flattered) Really?  
  
PearlGirl- (steps closer) But if I thought you were making fun of my name, Bones, I'd make sure you weren't! If that CLEAR??  
  
McCoy- (nods head vigorously)  
  
PearlGirl- I'm sure I could find someone to take your place. How 'bout Spock?  
  
McCoy- You'd like Spock better then ME??? He's a Vulcan!  
  
PearlGirl- At least he doesn't argue. Anyway, Narrator, resume play.  
  
Narrator- Okay. PearlGirl leaves. Everyone gathers around to hear McCoy's idea.  
  
McCoy- (whispers)  
  
Kirk- Good idea!  
  
Sulu- I like it!  
  
Spock- I believe that will work sufficiently.  
  
Snodgrass- What's sufficiently mean?  
  
Chekov- I don't get it!  
  
Uhura- Suffinciently means it'll work good.  
  
Narrator- They get to work. Fargo is still unconscious.  
  
Sulu- I can't believe his name is Fargo!  
  
All but Sulu- Shhhh! The author might be listening!  
  
Narrator- About ten minutes later, Fargo wakes up. He sees Kirk and the rest of them off in a corner. The door is open, and there are seven brown leather suitcases by his feet. They have labels on them that say "Diamonds!" and "There are jewels in HERE!" and "In case you're an evil Ferengi, steal this bag!"  
  
Kirk- (loudly) I don't THINK the FERENGI is AWAKE yet!  
  
McCoy- (loudly) But if he is, it SURE wouldn't be GOOD for US is he STOLE those BAGS because they have VALUABLES INSIDE!!  
  
Chekov- Zey do?  
  
Sulu- (kicks Chekov)  
  
Chekov- Hey! Why'd you do zat?   
  
Uhura- (loudly) I HOPE that Fargo wouldn't DISTRACT us and ESCAPE through the OPEN DOOR with our VALUABLES!!  
  
Fargo- Hee, hee. Of course I wouldn't do that. Hey, look! There's gullible written on the wall! (points)  
  
Narrator- All the crew but Spock look where he points.  
  
McCoy- Spock! Look at the wall!  
  
Spock- Why should I, Doctor?  
  
McCoy- Because there's gullible written on it!  
  
Spock- I am not interested in graffiti, Doctor. Besides, Gullible is in fact, not written-  
  
McCoy- JIIIIM!!   
  
Kirk- Spock, I order you to look at the wall.   
  
Spock- Yes, Captain. (looks at wall)  
  
Chekov- I can't see it! Where's gullible?  
  
Uhura- That's because it's not there, stupid! Wait, I mean-  
  
McCoy- (groans) Did anyone listen to my plan?  
  
Narrator- While they are arguing, Fargo grabs the bags and sneaks out the door.  
  
Snodgrass- Is he gone? Can we stop looking at the wall?   
  
Spock- (turns away from the wall) The Ferengi-  
  
McCoy- (interrupting) JIMMM! Spock's not looking at the wall!!  
  
Spock- Doctor, looking at the wall is unnecessary. The Ferengi has departed. Your plan was successful.  
  
McCoy- Good! I can't believe the Ferengi was that stupid!  
  
Uhura- I'm not surprised. Ferengi are always stupid.  
  
McCoy- Still. To be that stupid......  
  
Sulu- Do you think he'll come back in another episode?  
  
Kirk- I doubt it. And if he does, I'm going to remember that he owes me a fight!  
  
Narrator- They go and retrieve their belongings from under the bed.   
  
Chekov- At last! I wouldn't want these paintings to get hurt!  
  
Sulu- (practicing with his sword) Hiya! I need some practice!  
  
Uhura- (ducks Sulu's sword) Watch were you're swinging that thing! (picks up all clothes and make-up) I'd better go freshen up!  
  
McCoy- Now I can operate on patients without turning them weird colors!  
  
Spock- I am pleased to see that these chemicals did not spill. Some are very toxic.  
  
Snodgrass- (looks at Spock's chemicals nervously) Where're my lightbulbs?  
  
Uhura- Oh yeah. We put those up outside the Enterprise. You can get someone to take them down.   
  
McCoy- Why didn't the lightbulbs float away?  
  
Spock- The doctor is right. It is impossible to "hang up" lightbulbs in space.  
  
Sulu- (shrugs) Impossible or not, we did it.  
  
Kirk- (is holding pieces up paper in his hands) I really must be going! Toodle-do! (leaves)  
  
McCoy- What is Jim hiding? (to Spock) I didn't know those were your chemicals! I thought your suitcase had letters from Amanda in it!  
  
Spock- You were mistaken, Doctor.  
  
Chekov- (suspiciously) Why did you think that Spock had letters in his?  
  
McCoy- (hastily) Heh, heh! I just guessed!  
  
Chekov- Riiiight, sure.  
  
McCoy- That must be what Jim has! Letters from his mother! Ha!  
  
Sulu- The only problem with giving our bags to the Ferengi is that now we don't have them!  
  
Uhura- At least we don't have stupid bags that match anymore!  
  
Narrator- All the crew goes and puts their belongings away.   
  
Scene 23  
  
Narrator- Now we go to a shuttle craft that is zooming away from the Enterprise.  
  
Fargo- Muahahahaha! I'll be back Kirk! Wait, I will? Why should I be? I have your valuables!  
  
Narrator- Fargo opens a brown leather suitcase and finds only a slip of paper.  
  
Slip of paper- Hope you enjoy our "valuables", Mister "Honest Merchant" Ha ha! So long, sucker!  
  
Fargo- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Scene 24  
  
Narrator- The scene is the bridge. McCoy and all the rest of the bridge crew are present. Suddenly, they hear a loud scream coming from space.  
  
Kirk- What was that?  
  
Sulu- It sounded like no, sir.  
  
Kirk- Okaaaay. Weird.  
  
Chekov- Just wondering, not zat it matters, but do we actually have an assignment? I mean, ozer zan ze brown leazer suitcase thing.  
  
Kirk- You mean a mission? I dunno. Do we?  
  
Uhura- As a matter a fact, we do.  
  
Kirk- Ooops. What is it?  
  
Uhura- We're supposed to catch a Ferengi prisoner.  
  
Kirk- What's his name?  
  
Uhura- Fargo.  
  
Snodgrass- Isn't that a city in Texas?  
  
All but Snodgrass- NO! It's in NORTH DAKOTA!!  
  
Sulu- Uh-oh! We were supposed to catch him!  
  
McCoy- We let him go! Great, just great!   
  
Spock- I see nothing great about the situation, Doctor.  
  
Kirk- Maybe Starfleet will let us off.  
  
McCoy- Maybe they'll forget about the mission.  
  
Kirk- Great idea, Bones! Let's go Klingon hunting, then by the time we get back, Starfleet will have forgotten about the stupid mission!  
  
All but Spock- Yeah! We're going on a Klingon Hunt!  
  
Ensign Snodgrass- Wait, that sounds dangerous.   
  
Kirk- Dangerous? But danger is our business! When man first looked at the stars-  
  
(As Kirk is talking it switches to a scene of the Enterprise in space, zooming away toward the neutral zone)  
  
**THE END**  
  
(By the way, the "danger is our business" speech belongs to Tavia, and it's really "risk is our business". I can't claim it, even though it's hilarious)  
  
**REVIEWERS**-  
  
Meakashi Gosterful- I'm glad you liked my story, but as you can see, I still had one more chapter to post. Spock is pretty hard to get right, and people complain if you screw up his personality.  
  
Romulan Empress (Stephanie)- Our sequel is coming along, sloooowly. We don't have that much time to work on it, and not too much inspiration. But it'll be up soon, hopefully. Thanks for reviewing! 


End file.
